May 15 • Hurt Feelings

Day 676 Setback. Stepback. I screwed up and went running right back to an old habit that has been very damaging to my most important relationship. And it's not even about sex, at least not overtly.

My wife announced some plans this week that I didn't agree with. We talked about it, and I thought I made it clear that I did not agree, and a few hours later, she's making it public. That's a harsh description of what happened from somewhere in my wounded ego, but the true truth of it isn't really important. This all started three days ago, the day before I wrote in my journal about the ass-fault dangers on the road to recovery. I just blew another tire.

By the end of the first day, I had crawled into my pity party cave while keeping my outward façade reasonably intact. By yesterday I was in full tilt avoidance and passive-aggressiveness, and this morning my wife had had enough and called me on it. Believe it or not, I was surprised she noticed; I thought I was hiding it better. I'm kinda glad I wasn't, or maybe couldn't.

The details of this little adventure are not important. I got my feelings hurt and wrapped that up in every effort to justify my feelings and figure out why I was right. All I had to do was let my disagreement be known, even if my opinion was faulty or full out wrong. I couldn't get past the notion that I had to be right before I could disagree. Even though I thought I was right, I couldn't figure out how to prove it convincingly, so I kept pouting.

In some ways, this was an insignificant bump in the road. Still, I'm exhausted, physically as well as emotionally, so I'm trying to let it hurt for a while even as I apologize without giving up my stand. I'm trying to be upset about the right part of this equation, my reaction, and my delayed confrontation. Until I can courage through those moments, the details will never matter. –JR