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May 18 • Comparing Me to Me

Day 679 A couple of days ago, my wife asked me if my journal entries this year (year two) are any different from what I was writing in year one. Good question.

I can't help but think that knowing my words are being posted online have some impact on what I choose to say and how I say it, but I hope that has only a minimal impact. Last year I wrote like no one was reading because I didn't think I would ever be willing to share those thoughts out loud. So some things are different, and I hope that those differences are positive for my recovery.

Reviewing and comparing the two seasons shows the balance between wounds bleeding onto the reader or sharing lessons learned, is tilting more toward the latter this year. I remember thinking twelve months ago that I was doing so much better than I had been six months before that, but re-reading myself reminds me of some of the pain that I'd forgotten. Last year I could not even imagine that my story or thoughts could contribute to anyone else's journey through sexual addiction, but now I dare hope that I have some chance of some contributions. I'm also aware of the risk of putting myself out there, even as I take precautions to remain anonymous. I know the chances exist that someone will someday confront me personally for either the past that I share or the opinions I express. That does cause me some anxiety, but so be it. The risk is worth it if one struggler finds something here that helps.

I also think I was doing a lot more wallowing last year than I feel like I am this year. Please, God, let that be a sign of healing and maturing and growing as a person. –JR

May 18 • Comparing Me to Me
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