October 09 • B'Happy, Not Stupid

Day 823 Am I happy? Great question. I am happy about this and that, some of it recovery related, and some of it just improved thinking and better living. But am I happy overall? Happiness is oddly relative. I've known people around the world with no reason to be happy, according to my Western standards, yet they taught me wonderful lessons about contentment and being happy about the important things. I've also known people with every reason to be happy, except for the important reasons, and they were miserable. The question I'm asking today is just a general overview of my life: am I a happy person? I have rarely asked myself this question, mostly because I don't like the answers that have most often come to mind. I always had good reasons that kept me from being happy. Most of those reasons were based in other people to whom I had granted the power to control my emotions. That was stupid. Why did I do that? In recovery, I have learned about many reasons I've done so many stupid things. Some were related to being a closet sex addict, and some were just normal life issues that people deal with differently. Some folks are naturally good at being good, and others have to really work at it. I was naturally good at looking like I was good, but never really worked at being good. What was the point? I was a vile sexual sinner from my earliest memories, so happiness was never a goal. Certainly, I would seek happiness in moments, and not just in sex. For example, I liked it when my teams won, I loved a good cheesecake, and I laughed out loud at laughable life. In between the moments that were not sad, most of what I recall of most of my life was shame and fear of discovery for the fraud I always thought I was. I'm still a sinner. My sex life is far from perfect. My favorite teams are not winning much. I can make myself miserable because I don't know when to stop eating a good cream cheese dessert. But something is different. My wife has often asked whether I was happy. Generally, I'd qualify the question in my mind by restricting it to the moment or something else specific just so I could say 'yes.' If I'm completely honest, sometimes I just lied about it. Telling someone that is trying to make me happy that I'm not happy is not going to make anyone happy, so I'd just kick the can down the road and hope for better timing for the next inquisition. What I'm learning is that avoiding those terrifying moments of unhappy truths does more to prevent happiness long-term than it does to preserve the instant gratification of the pseudo-happy lie. Last night, my wife and I were sitting around our backyard firepit. She was sipping her wine, and I was smoking a random cigar that someone gifted to me. The fire was warm, the dog was quiet, and I had the unexpected thought that I was happy . I tried to explain that to her without admitting how many times I'd lied about it. She understood both sides of that coin and seemed pleased that I would tell her this without her asking. Neither of us could remember me ever doing that before. I didn't know such self-positiveness was possible, short of hitting the lottery, winning an election, and playing in the NBA finals all in one day. Am I 100% happy 100% of the time? Probably not, but maybe. My definition of 'happy' may be changing. I no longer hate myself, I don't feel like life is cheating me of anything, and I am the least worried about money than I've ever been (with probably the most reason to be concerned). I think I'm okay calling that happiness. It's not the end of anything, not a goal accomplished, and it's not guaranteed for tomorrow, but it's nice to think about. This may be nothing more than being better than it used to be. That would be relative happiness that I could live with. Maybe I'm actually happy. Either way that don't suck. And for the record, my counselor rebukes me when I call myself or my actions 'stupid.' She encourages me to be gentle with myself by referencing my bad decisions as ones that could have been better . I get what she's trying to say, but sometimes, 'stupid is as stupid does,' and that's just the way it is. As for paragraphs four and five above, in the context of this journal entry, maybe that other old axiom is not true; maybe you can fix stupid. Just sayin'... –JR Of all the things you ask yourself in a day When was the last time you ask these questions? Are you really happy It's time to tell the truth Are you really happy What you trying to prove –The Shindellas, “Happy to See You" JR's Journal