October 14 • Untilla the Bum

Day 462 My need to support my image as the near-perfect manifestation of God's plan did not — does not — disappear at recovery's door. I still feel the need to be the perfect struggler, the perfect mistake-maker, the ideal 12th Stepper (even though I've not finished step 11 yet), while being the perfect family man. The one thing I've managed to let go of a bit is being the perfect employee and organizational leader. That release is now feeding financial insecurity as there are consequences in slowing down. Until I can make mistakes without feeling embarrassed and angry, until I can take the necessary risks in the smallest of moments requiring admitting my mistakes, until I can be unafraid of making mistakes, I think I shall be stuck where I am trying to figure out how much of my recovery is legit, and how much is just blowing more smoke. Such vanity is no longer acceptable, as if it ever was. I do not know the answer to this, but I believe it is out there. The Promises promise it. I will find it. –JR When it all comes true we'll see Until then, Until then Until they've reason to Think I've a shot at redemption –A.C. Newman, ”I'm Not Talking"