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October 19 • My Sober Addict

Day 833 I've already admitted that my addict is a sneaky little sucker. It does not seem to be one of those problems that I can make go away by admitting it out loud or confessing to being tricked. I continue to marvel at his ability to turn my thoughts and memories and motivations into total confusion about who I am and what I want. I was driving down the highway yesterday minding my own business and listening to the radio when some combination of songs and commentary made me think of something I did during my acting out that I hadn't thought of in years. It happened long before my official 'acting out' period began but is part of the mounting evidence that I've had a problem with my sexuality for far longer than the last few years. The details of what I did are not important right now but involved the inappropriate use of my eyes. As I was shaking my head that I could ever do something so vile, I was also reminded that during disclosure to my wife, she had asked me specifically whether I'd ever done this. I said 'no.' I remember answering her in the context of my affairs and massage parlor visits, and in that setting, it was a true answer. But was it? My addict is stone-cold-sober and having a jolly good time right now arguing both sides of multiple questions related to this recollection that lasted but a few seconds. He's telling me I'm a liar now and I lied then and I have to tell my wife that I lied or that I forgot and he's telling me that even this arguing with myself is dishonest. I'm now convinced that I cannot win. The shame engulfs me, the fear freezes me, and my conscience confuses me. Or am I just rationalizing? See, there he goes again. The one thing I am not going to do is jerk my knees. I have managed multiple times to kick myself in my own crotch in a rush of ill-timed honesty, so I'm going to breathe and talk to my sponsor about this. I'm going to make sure I am truthing to myself, and then I'll figure out what kind of amends I am capable of and committed to. On the good side, I am not falling into the bottomless pit of shame this time as I have before. It sucks, and it hurts, but it will not be the end of my world. I anticipate this will be more an embarrassing confession than earth-shattering. Still, I'm also aware that my ability to correctly anticipate my wife's reaction to these sorts of things has been historically and notoriously wrong. Nonetheless, there is a strange sense of calm that says I will have to do whatever I will have to do, and I will release the results to my Higher Power for his care. That sounds good, at least. –JR I lied to the doctor I lied to my lover I wanna make amends, but where do I start Tell the truth to yourself and the rest will fall in place –The Avett Brothers, ”Tell The Truth"

October 19 • My Sober Addict
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