September 04 • Forever in Dishonest Genes
Day 788 Not too long ago, no one knew enough about me to have a healthy intimate relationship with me. It breaks my heart to say that, but it goes directly to that phrase I often hear in 12 Step meetings, "I can measure my relational health by the secrets I keep." Hopefully, I am too hard on myself when I say that for many years my wife may have known 60% of what I did and 20% of what I thought. That has changed dramatically in the past two years; I'd say she now knows 90% of what I do and 60% of what I think. For context, I doubt that anyone could ever know more than 62.325% of what I think, so 60% is pretty high. The 10% of what I do that she doesn't know is not acting out; it's just life that she doesn't see, like sneaking potato chips or the little odd jobs around the house that I do without fanfare. And I'm pretty sure she knows about the chips. Obviously, I made up most of those numbers. Still, they reflect the relativity between how much I hid before and how much I do not hide today, thanks to the 12 Step program that has given me confidence, grace, and friends that help me lean into honesty with fervor and imperfection. I have not defeated my dishonest genes, but they are more black-and-blue today than I am. I have won most of the recent battles by a wide margin, but it's the random low-blow from my addict or the unexpected moment of cowardice that still has the power to unravel me. I talked to God last night about something that has been bothering me, a weakness that I'm concerned could grow into a mistake, and I was amazed at how hard it was to say the specific words that best describe my struggle. I've told God about this issue in my prayers before, multiple times, but it was always with casual deference like, "...you know my heart and my struggles; fix it!" Talking about it with specificity was weird, and what was worse was this awkward recognition made me realize I had never done it before. I find that ludicrous. It also suggests to my resisting mind that I may be being less honest with God than with my wife. That is both likely and impossible all at the same time. God does not need me to be candid with Him so I can get better, but he seems to have created this crazy system where I need to be candid (honest) with Him so I can be better. That is consistent with what I'm learning about amends, about meeting attendance, and being available to newcomers as well as my fellows in the program. Nobody needs me to be faithful to any of those steps for them; we all need to work at those things for ourselves. –JR