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August 16 • I Envy Me

Day 403

My wife says the closest I get to being envious about someone else is when I struggle between the real me and the image I have worked so hard to present. She may be right.

I would love to be the person of my preferred persona if I could do it with complete honesty. The conflict between my 'is' and my 'want to be' is significant and probably at the heart of my dissatisfaction with life. I would have to add, only because I'm trying to face these things, that the only thing I can remember being envious about from the lives of other people I know is when I've heard them talking about their sex lives. I'm not talking about locker-room type talk, but normal, casual conversation. For example, I once heard a married friend complain about a health issue that resulted in an intolerable week without sex. His innocent comment triggered my victimness by reinforcing to me that there are people with the sex life (aka frequency) that my persona wanted.

Doubling down on the irony is that I think I have that opportunity now as the healing and new understandings and forgiveness between my wife and I seem to have broken down many of the barriers that we've wrestled with for years. Still, the path my recovery seems to be taking has not yet released me into that very freedom. Another contradiction between what should be and what is.




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