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December 08 • Time & Punishment

Day 517

There is a difference between 'consequences' and 'accountability.' I can change nothing about my past actions or future consequences (other than working to be a better person today). Being accountable seems to be part of having the courage to change things that I can.

I have a loud voice in my heart that says I still need to suffer more for what I did, even as I come to terms with the implications of my actions being 'disease' driven. I feel like I should be punished, by me or by others, if for no other reason than to demonstrate my regret.

That is probably not healthy, but it is real. At one time, I was willing to accept the ultimate punishment at my own hands. Today I am far from that, so I'll accept that this is progress on a long journey.

Today I will not punish myself if I can help it.



Every time that I fall for that same old trick

I punish myself with the same old stick

I want to believe it so badly I deceive myself

Forgetting reality

–Todd Rundgren, ”The Waiting Game"



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