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January 20 • Seeing New Eyes

Day 195

My memories of my thoughts during my acting out do nothing to explain to me why I continued doing it. The guilt and fear were constant companions, made only worse during times when — for a moment — I would be in a happy or comfortable place, only to feel the shame of feeling good when I had no right because of my behavior.

After nearly 200 days of sobriety, I still struggle with melancholy when unpleasant things happen outside of my control, but little by little, the days between such times seem to be growing in both number and hope. I also see it in the eyes and lives of my new friends in 'meetings.' Those looks of clarity, smiles, and tears of understanding are all encouragements and significant factors that keep me going back.




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