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January 11 • The Cycle of Fantasy

Day 186

I've always believed that if the sex were good, it would fix everything else. And sex was always good... in my fantasies. 😕

All my life I knew that my fantasies were just that, unreal images and imaginations that did nothing more than turn me on for a few moments of escape. They were safe. I knew the pages of sex magazines like Penthouse were fiction, so what was the harm of feeding my hunger? I catered to my appetite for years until one day a fantasy came true. Then another. Suddenly I was obsessed and compelled to explore this new world that I never believed actually existed.

There was one problem that rose above all the others: I was never satisfied. It was never what it was supposed to be. It was all a lie, but I kept believing the next time would fix the last time.

Looking back on the way I allowed my mind to live among the sexual fantasies as if there was no separation between those and my real life, I have to wonder whether a different result was even possible. Something had to break. I did.

So now I'll work each day to learn how to stop the unwanted, and embrace the love that I have pushed away while chasing the unattainable.




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