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March 18 • The Aide of Lemons

Day 618

Am I being 'nudged' by my Higher Power to tell my story in ways I am not ready to do? Or, is my Addict tempting me with visions of grandeur and acceptance so I'll do something stupid and belong to him again?

I hear stories of guys that get caught in very public ways and how they can then start the lemonade machine because they have nothing left to hide. Is that jealousy I'm feeling? I genuinely do not believe that I want that kind of scrutiny, or to see 'that look' in the eyes of people who thought they knew me as an outstanding citizen. Yet, I find myself glad for these people in the strangest of ways.

My story is not just my story; it also belongs to my wife, and I'm pretty sure she would be devastated for my addiction to become public. My parents would also be dealt another blow if it got out, and then there's my children and the legacy with which they and my grandchildren would have to live.

My son responded to learning about my acting out by saying he now had to live with a father 'like that.' He has since been supportive and loving to me, but hearing that initial response reminds me that part of what I was so afraid of losing was my family. Anything I reveal publicly would certainly add strains to their stories, and I'm not sure I have that right, short of something I do not control bringing it all into the light.

Of course, that all begs the question of whether I want more people to know, and I'm pretty sure I do not want that. But the question was whether God is positioning me to use my failures for His successes.

I am willing, but I am resisting. It will take more than a nudge to get me across that line.




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