January 09 • Just Let It

Day 184 -6 MONTHS SOBER- The process of the 12 Steps will lead to recovery IF we let it. Or so I'm told. It doesn't sound easy. If it weren't for the smiles and encouragements I receive in meetings full of people calling themselves sex-addicts, I would have given up a long time ago. Nearly a year after starting to attend meetings, and six months since my last acting-out, I still feel stuck. I'm not stuck, but I feel like it. I am recovering, but I want it faster and on my terms. I'm having trouble letting it go every day. Every damn day. I do not know whether I have the capacity to let it. I am not acting out, but I am incredibly wrapped in guilt and pressure to atone and change. It is difficult to imagine being free of those sensations and free to allow a new me to emerge; a me that lives in joy and generosity of spirit and free of resentment—and living in undefended honesty—seems a long way away. –JR