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June 11 • If I Can Get It...

Day 337 The relationship between my addiction — however far back it goes — and my job(s) is a question of some import and curiosity. I have received a lot of accolades for the work I've done in a variety of positions, but I also have an undeniable pattern of moving through successful jobs, and even careers, with unusual frequency. I've made jokes about not being able to keep a job, and I've talked about my need to take on different challenges, so I don't get bored. Still, I'm wondering now — more than wondering actually — whether my shame has played more of a role in this than I've ever openly considered. I say 'openly' because I've often been aware of a weird emotion that I've internally referred to as the "Groucho" factor; no matter how lofty the position was that I was seeking, no matter how much I thought I was overreaching, almost without exception I would quickly begin thinking, "How good can this job be if I can get it?" and even, "Do I really want to work for someone that would hire me?" I would write it off as a subset of the Peter Principle and continue to plow through until some other shiny opportunity caught my eye. But things are different now, and I'm struggling to understand the best way forward. I have started the process of sliding out of the best and worst job I've ever had, trying to do it in a way that protects the religious organization I've served for more than a dozen years, but I cannot afford to not work, and I don't know how to pursue the next phase. I have a serenity about it, but that does not feel sufficient for the strategic part of my brain. So I'm looking for small steps I can make, every day, in hopes that I can do it differently this time; that I can do something, for once in my life, that I can enjoy and in which I can grow without the guilt of knowing someone else probably deserves it more than I do… –JR

June 11 • If I Can Get It...
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