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April 29 • Weird Pain

Day 294

People who have not walked this road are often confused to hear the sex addict talking about 'pain.' Guilt? Sure. Shame? Sure. But the idea of sexual pursuits causing pain in itself is foreign to most people, as it was to me. For me, the pain was in not being able to control my desires, much less my actions. Somewhere along the way, I began to assume I was doing what I wanted, thus resolving that conflict even while being acutely aware I was lying to myself. This deceit was the heart of my pain: lying about what I wanted so that what I was doing would feel like what I wanted and then ease my pain. It was more like an infection in a wound. The pain was real and constant as I felt myself dying more and more with each transgression, whether acted out or not.




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