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August 18 • Mr. Fixit

Day 405

My career has been filled with figuring things out. I was a change agent with multiple examples of analyzing a situation or even a culture and implementing solutions that would move the organization I was leading on a forward path. So when my acting out moved from the fantasy life to the real life, I figured out how to do it without getting caught, how to sustain it, and how to justify it. And when the light crept through my insanity and I was ready to quit, to stop the acting out, I pulled out my Mr. Fixit toolbag and devised plan after plan, and failed time and after time.

Desperation hit when I concluded the only way to stop was to get caught or stop living, and I wasn't sure about the getting caught part working. Depression marched in when I had neither the courage nor the strength to let or make either eventuality happen. It was only luck — or guidance of my Higher Power — that I began attending a recovery group with the institutional wisdom and individual experience to have both patience and persistence walking with me through the first steps out of the trap door of addiction. I still catch myself in the contradictions and illogic of trying to strategize my way through recovery. Still, it is getting generally easier to back up and let it happen while also being faithful to the work I can do to understand my disease as well as my recovery.



Said it'll never happen, said you'd never get caught out

You settled in a habit, so now you're Mr. Fixit

Just another alien, living on the planet

Living on the planet

–Fish, ”The Perception of Johnny Punter"



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