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November 12 • Insanity Planning

Day 491


"Patience," you say?

If I were good at patience, I probably would not be an addict. So now, while fighting my inner demon, must I also be developing a new skill, or perhaps a new personality feature?

"Yes," says the program, and common sense.

To get to new places, we must take new roads, try new avenues of expression, walk new paths with new people. But it also means going to meetings and being one of 'those' guys the rest of my life.


Maybe I have a better idea. Why don't I just go back to working my problems independently, hanging out in bars, drinking my liver into dysfunction, and smoking my lungs into oblivion? How about I put my health in the care of sexual diseases or my life in the gun sites of jealous lovers? How about I work at getting more and more stupid like I was doing before recovery; that seemed to be working out. That's a good idea.


And maybe I can work on my sarcasm at the same time, so I can really say what I think needs to be said.


Or, perhaps I'll make a call and go to a meeting.


Maybe I'll wake up in the morning glad and humbled that I get to be one of 'those' guys. Perhaps I'll be pleased to be alive. But that's getting ahead of myself. Today I am feeling something akin to being 'proud' to be in a 12 Step program, and that feels strangely welcome and fortunate.


I'll stay the course, at least for today.


–JR

 

I've got to make it mean something at the end of the day

It once was my life, they can't take that away

Trials and tribulations and stupidity still rules

Sometimes it looks like I'm on a ship of fools


–Van Morrison, ”It Once Was My Life"

 

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