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December 22 • Passive Progressive

Day 166

I have trouble wrapping my head around the idea of being deprived and all that goes with that. Still, it has become something of a clarion call in all this; the idea that my passiveness and lack of ambition comes out of some sense of embedded values — or at least early-learned ideas — that I don't seek because I don't deserve, and I don't ask because I'm not worthy.

This is so contrary to my core value system of Grace and forgiveness that I can't find a place to put it in my bucket of principles and good thinking. I'm learning that conflicts of ideas like this are often indicators of issues I'm denying or pain I'm hiding. I look forward to sharing this in the fellowship and learning from the people in the program.



I must keep searching for that part that I lost

I lost it long ago I can't hold back

I lost my sense and deprived

All I had to say back then

–Toby Jake Booth, "Searching"


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