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February 05 • Little Things, Big Triggers

Day 211


It is perhaps my most significant realization that to become a man of integrity, I must lay aside many of the image-chasing habits and illusions of my life and allow the new me — hopefully a more real me — to grow out of all this.


My wife was recently giving me feedback about some of my routine and seemingly innocent behaviors that have hurt her for years, things that had nothing overtly to do with sexual addiction or acting out. She was trying to explain to me how they now trigger her and make her think I'm regressing.


At the same time, I'm experiencing a new confidence in my minute-to-minute decision-making that is helping me be productive and think about things that are good and not self-destructive. But it's very hard and very scary to set aside pieces of me that I always thought were strengths and even points of pride and self-definition that go back to my childhood. It would be nice to first know who that guy is that is making his way out the other side without those props of the old me.


–JR

 

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