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June 19 • Sick or Depressed?

Day 711

Somedays, I feel like I have solved my problems with sexual addiction. Other days I feel like I don't have a clue about how to work on my personal defects. I don't even know whether those defects are the cause of my addiction or the result. Maybe there are other options for that enigma.

Today, my head is pounding, and I'm running a fever. My wife has had a low-grade fever for the past few days. She received a test for COVID-19 on the first day because of her underlying asthma, but we still do not have the results. I can't tell whether I'm depressed or just sick enough to have an excuse to rest all day.

I have had days in recovery where all this would have rolled off my back with no problem. I can't seem to shake it today, and I don't know whether it's because I've got a bug or because I'm worried about my wife's health. I'm trying hard (probably unsuccessfully) to be the good caregiver to her and acting like I'm not concerned about the test at all; maybe that's not helping.

Maybe that's just life. Regardless of whether it's physical or mental or both mixed in with fragile emotions, perhaps some days, it's okay to recognize that we don't know which way is up. Some times things don't make sense.

As I'm writing, I am reminded of what one of the fellows told me yesterday after noting my countenance during our Zoom meeting. I didn't answer when he called, so on my voicemail, he said,

"You know you're allowed to struggle, right? You know you can give yourself permission to do that?"

I may have missed that in the manual. It's more likely that I read it and studied it here or there, but didn't apply it to me. Maybe because I don't think I have permission to do that or because I have to hear things a bunch of times before they sink in. Either way, it seems unavoidable to have days like this. I can accept that it just happens, but I still want to know the whys and wherefores so I know how much to blame myself for everything from my own malaise to my wife's health. Yeah, that's the ticket!

The difference between now and a year ago is that today I know I'm okay, even if I feel like crap. Before recovery, and for several months into recovery, I thought every feeling that was out of place or any ailment without a good reason was the beginning of the end for my sobriety, and maybe even for my life.

I think I'm just having a bad day, and maybe that's okay.




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