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June 03 • Sick Power

Day 695

A quote from my meditation book this morning caught my attention. It's something I've heard a hundred times, and I don't know what the nuance is that caused it to strike a chord in my soul today:

"My disease takes away my power of choice when it comes to sexual thoughts, feelings, and behaviors."*

I'm probably overthinking this, but here's how I'm reading that: My disease does not take away my "choice." It takes away my POWER to choose. I always had the choice to go straight instead of turning left into a place of acting out, but this damn addiction usurped my power to make that choice as clearly as loud noise or worrying about tomorrow can take away the power to sleep. I can still choose to lie in bed, but the barking dog or the presentation I'm doing in the morning can still zap me of the power to snooze.

I'm sure that breaks down somewhere, but that's what it feels like to me. I want to choose differently, but my addict takes the power to do what I want away from me.

Is this a bio-chemical neurological issue, or is it due to emotional scars and some sort of PTSD from events that happened decades ago? I do not know with certainty, and I'm not sure it matters except to people trying to create a pharmaceutical solution or to get published in a mental health journal.

Am I a broken sinner, or a victim of an insidious and baffling disease? The simple answer — as simple as any answer may be in recovery — is "Yes."


*Sex Addicts Anonymous. Voices of Recovery. Health Communications Inc. Kindle Edition.



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