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June 24 • Into the Darkness

Day 350


When I released into the world of excess, of giving in and seeking what I had denied myself, I honestly had no idea of the depths of gray and cold that awaited me, and that seems to encompass those who live there. I expected — with what little intentional thought I gave it — that I was simply trading my morals and righteousness for selfishness and pleasure.


By the time I realized the direction it was all going, which was actually pretty quickly, all I could think of was trying one more thing, one more person, one more bar...sooner or later I would catch whatever it was I was chasing. But the gray became blackness, and the cold became a total lack of warmth, and the hopelessness became the central figure in my life. And I kept going back for more.


I do not wholly trust my memories from this time, and I don't want my brain living there because I feel the past is a tool for my addict. But neither can I act like it did not happen; denial has always been another great tool for my addict.


For my sake and for the sake of others who may need to know they are not alone, that their insanity is part of a community of recoverers, I will keep my growth in the context of my falls.


I will grow. I may fall. I will grow again.


–JR

 

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