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October 07 • Darkness Fatigue

Day 455

How can I call my life hard? Yes, I've made some bad choices; yes, I have suffered known and unknown consequences; yes, I have an addiction compounded by depression that makes it a bit difficult to live the life I prefer. But I have a nice house. I'm blessed with a caring and generous wife. My whole family is just great and getting greater. No one is shooting at me or stealing my food or even looking at me sideways. Still, I fight these demons of sadness and regret.

I still believe I am called to better things. Not for me, but for the God that gives life.

Then there is the cycle of guilt that goes with realizing what I just said in the context of my 'woe-is-me.' I want to be off of this mental merry-go-round, but I think it is sometimes essential to sit in this and remember the pain that should not hurt, and the sadness that should not cry. I am a contradiction without true negatives, yet my mind always seems to find the dark places.

I am tired of telling people about the darkness, even you, my Journal friend. I'm fumbling for my bootstraps. I want to rise up and change my world. I believe that is within my power, but the program teaches me that I can do that only if I release those expectations into the hands of a Higher Power that I choose to believe will take it.

And then what? I sit. I wait.



Poor poor pitiful me

Poor poor pitiful me

Oh these boys won't let me be

Lord have mercy on me

Woe woe is me

–Linda Ronstadt, ”Poor, Poor Pitiful Me"



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