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May 29 • Thinking About Thinking

Day 690

The 12-Steps teach us to meditate. Between that and calling God our "Higher Power," those of us in the conservative religious community have plenty of cause to avoid the mumbo-jumbo teachings of a cult-like organization of and for addicts that is obviously steeped in the heretical musings of eastern religions.

That is a very wrong attitude, and I repent for my participation in it.

It is difficult to resolve how I can still cling to a religious community that would make such judgments, especially while being more interested in burying its addicts than in offering a better way. I do still believe in the tenets of my faith, but my life has changed by learning that not judging those who struggle is not the same as condoning their sins. And learning that there are ways of God's spiritual kingdom that I don't understand has opened the door to building upon what I do know with the experiences and insights of people that God speaks through according to His purpose. If my training as a minister and my experience in that world of religions earns me any voice, I proclaim that I've seen the evidence of God's whispers in my recovery program and community with far more consistency and grace than what I have typically experienced in the political and self-righteous hallows of most churches.

I am so weary of religious 'leaders' who preach their spiritual agendas without physical compassion, or with one eye on ratings and fundraising.

But, now I am being two-faced and judging them the way I used to judge what I've become. It's weird having lived in both worlds and feeling like I have something to say about the twain. The truth is — in both cases — these comments say more about me than they do those who fatigue me. I get that; I just haven't resolved it all.

But this meditation was supposed to be about meditating. How did I get off on this tangent (again)?

Sometimes I find myself meditating on the wrong things. Whether it's the dysfunction of a religious system or the trap of not recognizing that my fantasies of wealth and power are just as destructive to my healing as the old sexual mental trains that derailed me, it's another example that I have another day's work to do. At least one more day.




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