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November 13 • Too Close To Call

Day 492

More than my share of friends have died at their own hands. This pain management option has been real to me since my ten-year high school reunion when we learned of more-than-we-knew classmates and friends who had died that way. There have been several more since.

I do not know whether I could ever have gotten to the point of taking an intentional role in my death, but I've certainly thought about it a lot over the past few years. I've contemplated methods and have even been careful not to think about ways that would add unnecessary drama to the event, as stupid as that now sounds.

However, in the latter days of my acting out, I was quite serious that this was the best way to save my family from the embarrassment and pain of learning about my behaviors as a sex addict.

When my counselor made me sign a form promising not to commit suicide, I laughed at the absurdity of it. I mean, if I'm going to kill myself, a form or even my word of honor would not prevent me. But then she asked how it felt to think about being gone, even if I made it look like an accident, and then my family found out about me. How did I feel thinking about not being able to explain anything, not being able to tell them how sorry I was?

What I remember from that moment is the sudden realization of how close I was to disappearing, and it was the first time it seemed like a bad idea. And now, more than a year after my disclosures, how do I feel thinking about missing out on all the grace and forgiveness and support I've received from those same people that I thought would hate me and abandon me? I can't even think about it.

I am so grateful for the chance to be a broken person working at amends and getting better. In many ways, it's even better than back before I knew I was sick. Actually, in almost every way, it's better.



So long to you, hope I don't make you blue,

Think I'm gonna kill myself, think I'm gonna myself.

Apart we've grown, now I can't go on alone.

Think I'm gonna kill myself, think I'm gonna myself.

–Waylon Jennings, ”Think I'm Gonna Kill Myself"



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