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November 18 • That Me vs This Me

Day 497


Not only do my modern memories place me at center stage, but the memories of my thoughts from many years ago also put me front and center.


My persona has always been of that guy that cares about people and would do anything for anyone, and could always see the big picture and help others see it. I have memories of recognizing those paradoxical perceptions and feeling both guilty and clever at getting away with it so often and so effortlessly. I was sure this was just the skillset I was born with, and I consciously made public decisions to lean into that better world of selflessness.


But in isolation, I would consistently run the other direction.


Too often, that isolation could happen in a room full of people, or date-night with my wife; there were few limits on when and where I could entertain myself. I am glad for the opportunity in the program to recall and describe these baser times of my life because it is difficult to imagine holding on to these snapshots of my addiction as I get better. I certainly hope they slip away. Some already have.


I think.


–JR

 

If I think too hard then

I can feel like no one, though

I'd rather be alone

Than with people I don't know

'Cause I can't walk in character


–Edwyn Collins, ”What Is My Role"

 

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