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April 14 • Step 1 Angst

Day 645

I am conflicted today, somewhere between scared and trying to respect the value of not wallowing in too much information. As I'm approaching the one-year mark of giving my First Step in a 12-Step workshop, I've been thinking about including some of it here. If I do, it might well be found by someone who knows me. While it's unlikely, I've heard stories from other addicts about how their stories falling into the wrong hands have caused significant and unnecessary complications. I have secured my original text in a place that will be nearly impossible for anyone to access without my permission. So, putting even parts of it here in this less secure location is surprisingly frightening. I honestly do not know whether my fear is based in my own shame and embarrassment or in trying not to add burdens to people who know me but are not familiar with the program, such as my adult children. For the first time in nearly a year, I just opened that fourteen-page "History of My So-Called Life" as I titled it when I first started committing my story to paper. I scanned it, looking for parts I could revisit without fear of inappropriate sharing. I found a couple of paragraphs, but they all needed context. I also found portions that need updating and added to, but that will have to wait. I'm going to pass on sharing from that monologue today. I think I need to chill for a moment while letting the past year soak in just a bit. My life changed so much for the better once I completed and delivered that narrative of my sexually addictive life; it has been a quite remarkable difference. Whether it was confessional or repentant or both, it was cleansing. But I am aware of a bit of the shame returning as I read from it, especially some of the parts that I'd forgotten I'd shared. It's probably a good day to call my sponsor.




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