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December 01 • Makes No Sense

Day 510

When I began attending SAA meetings, I knew I was not there to stop acting out, at least not consciously. But I did see that I was in trouble, that I was spending more money on my behavior than I was making, and that everything from my job to my family was at risk.

How I could know those things without a determination to quit is baffling to me, but I remember telling a fellow attendee that I did not understand why I was there with all those sick guys.

Six months into regularly attending meetings, I was still acting out at massage parlors and on my phone. I wish I could remember what I was thinking and where I thought my life was going. I was also drinking copious amounts of alcohol in dangerous places and then driving without regard for the safety of myself or others. I was going through the motions of getting help without changing any beliefs or routines.

It wasn’t until someone challenged me to talk to my addict — literally — that I began having thoughts of stopping. I then started making a lot of progress toward wellness. Still, it wasn’t until I disclosed everything (nearly everything) with the help of a counselor that I made the decision that I wanted to live and to live differently. I had the blessing of an incredibly devastated wife that choose not to give up on me or us, and my recovery began in earnest that day.

I have had to change so much of my thinking just to have a chance, but I did, and I do. Today I am thinking differently. Today I am sober. Today I am grateful.



Goin' down, I'm goin' down

And now I see the life I led

I slept it all away in bed

I should have learned how to swim instead

And now it's really got me stumped

I can't believe I really jumped

–The Monkees, ”Goin' Down"



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