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June 06 • Lying Transparency

Day 332

It is generally accepted that guys do not open up easily to other guys about their inner-most feelings and the reasons they suck. Most guys don't even share such things with their most intimate partners, I suspect. For most of my life, I've thought I was one of the exceptions. Through Bible study groups, marriage counseling, personality testing, etc., I thought I was the example of how men should be. I lied. I opened up about safe things, about ills that could be accepted and forgiven for someone in my position.

The funny thing is, I thought I was the only one doing that, inasmuch as I was aware I was doing it. Through my recovery studies, my step meetings, and learning to be honest about darkness, I hear the same stories repeatedly. It disturbs me that something so clinically predictable, so filled with common trials, failures, and successes can be hidden from decent people and decent society.

Recovery from this addiction is undoubtedly complicated by the shame that is sure to come as more people learn of where you've been and what you've done. But in that is an unusual bond with the other hostages of sexual obsession. People are risking their lives and standing-up to recover, even as they recognize that not taking that risk is to bring on the near-certainty of destruction.

Through this process, I will be a better man, even if very few people in the world ever have a clue as to my wrongs and struggles and recoveries. I think that is as it should be, but it doesn't keep me from wishing it could be completely different.




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