March 05 • Who am I Doing What For

Day 239

I recognize that the more I engaged in isolation and 'slippage' toward acting out, the more I tried to meet other people's expectations in every way. From what I believed, to what I taught, to how I acted, and what I chased, it was all based on other people's expectations.

It was a death spiral, and I've not yet escaped it; I can see the consequences, and I want to change, but it's still very difficult. On the one hand, changing direction is always tricky. On the other hand, this kind of change requires trusting myself, and I think there are people who know what I've done that still trust me more than I do, more than I ever have.

This irony is tough to admit. It's even harder to believe, mostly because most people I know and respect would not believe this about me in the first place, so that makes me further question my conclusions.

–JR

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