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November 09 • Rite of Happy

Day 488

Trusting emotional memories has proven to be risky, at best. I tend to put touchstones on how I must have felt based on high-confidence memories of events or conversations. For example, I do not have many memories that I could describe as ʻa state of happiness,’ but I have a hard time saying I have not been happy for most of my life.

I remember my wife asking whether I was happy as if she was the joy monitor and as if I was entitled to such lofty states of being. I also remember giving a lying answer. It was so important to her for me to be happy that I just agreed that I was while asking myself whether my lack of happiness rose to the level of unhappiness.

When I was acting out, I learned what unhappiness is, and I lived there while I was dying there with little hope of ever being happy again anywhere, whatever ‘happy’ is.

But now The Promises are proving to be real.

I’ve recently found myself breaking into jokes and dancing with my wife; if that isn’t happiness, maybe I don’t know what happiness is.



Fairytale's a waste of time

It's all lies, it's all lies

This is not a love song

You know what I want, you know what I like

No need to pretend we'll be happy in the end

–Bülow, ”Not A Love Song"



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