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November 29 • To Boldly Go...

Day 508


My memories of how much I detested who I was and what I was doing when I was acting-out baffles me. It makes no sense how quickly I went from being afraid I would get caught to being afraid I would never get caught. And what kind of mind believes the way out is to increase the risk and behaviors that you’re trying to escape?


My only conclusion, even before I knew about sex addiction, was a sick mind. That is still hard for me to accept, but the help I’m getting comes from the ability to get past my notions and my concern for what others think and boldly stop denying my condition. I think I can count about 16 steps in that last line; it doesn’t happen all at once.


Boldly can indeed be measured in minimal steps and MUST be incremental in its deployment. Boldly is a reflection of determination and honesty and has nothing to do with speed. Some steps will appear bold, like disclosure to family members or accepting legal responsibilities for something you did as an addict, but that's like the actor that became an overnight success after twenty years of working at it. The hurrier I go, the behinder I get is true in recovery, at least it is for me.


Slow and bold are not contradictory terms.


–JR

 

It's zippin by

Like speed of light

Or draggin painfully slow

It's not enough

Or just too much

Either way it's gonna go


–Amel Larrieux, ”See Where You Are"

 

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