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October 10 • What Are The Odds?

Day 824

It's really weird for me to imagine a situation where I would relapse. The only thing more weird is remembering the life I led for so many years against my values and intentions.

I've heard so many stories from those seemingly strongest in recovery about their weaknesses, struggles, and failures. It blows my mind that these guys, with so much invested in their recoveries and second (or third or fourth) chances, would allow themselves to succumb again to their sexual addiction. But they have, they do, and they will. Not all of them will relapse, but enough of them; enough of us.

I have often acknowledged that one of the most important things that brought me to the program is learning how un-unique I am in my addiction. No one has the stories I have, except everyone else I've met. Not everyone has everyone's stories, of course, but I've met all my stories and issues in the meetings of sex addicts.

None of the guys that have relapsed have admitted to knowing they were going to do that. They'll talk about how they stopped working the program or going to meetings, but that was because they felt strong, not vulnerable.

Right now, I feel strong, not vulnerable. So am I uniquely safe, or is my story still part of all those other stories, and my dangers just as real as all their dangers?

I refuse to assume that I will have a relapse. I also refuse to assume I can walk away from what has saved me and not be in great danger. I can feel strong and still recognize my vulnerabilities. I can choose to not trust my future to the weighted dice of addiction.

I can also probably still flame out with little warning, although it is so hard for me to believe it possible.

And not today. Not today.



I was washing up the dishes

Minding my own business

When my string snapped

I had a relapse...a suburban relapse

–Siouxsie and the Banshees, “Suburban Relapse"



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