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September 05 • Failing to Succeed

Day 423

For the first time in my life, I feel like failure is not an option. Typically, preaching on the value of the journey over the arrival is one of my favorite pontifications, but learning about myself while journeying toward life-under-a-bridge does not hold much appeal.

I do not know which I fear most, failure, or not succeeding. Those seem like two distinctive options, and I'm not sure I can define the nuances. 'Not succeeding' strikes me as better since that seems like missing the mark with margin to try again. 'Failing' frightens me because I cannot imagine coming back from another dip in the destructive pool of paid sex and debasing affairs. In this case, my view of success may simply be, don't fail. But in my head, 'success' always means winning, being the star in the room, having the best stories, making people laugh and feel good about themselves.

Worrying about failing seems to be something I'm being told not to do; work the program and let my Higher Power have the control (like He doesn't already have it, anyway). I'm not advocating anything I just wrote down.

Somedays the emotions trump what I'm learning. Today is one of those days. If I fail, I will fall. That may not be true then, but it is today.



I'm not well

And I Think that I should tell you

That I got the raw end of the deal

Don't get me wrong

Cause it's not like I blame you

But sometimes things get crazy on their own

I'm ashamed

Of the way I point my finger

Cause deep down I have reaped what I have sown

–Ra, ”Superman"



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