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October 13 • Guilty Plea

Day 461

Being able to accept responsibility for what I've done without trudging through thick, slimy shame eludes me. I have moments, even days, where I can stay in the sterile lane of the tasks and promises of recovery without reviving the sick feelings and lostness of addiction. But inevitably, there is a reminder of the pain I've caused — sometimes through a kind act by someone I've hurt — and my worthlessness comes raging back. It is cumbersome and exhausting and makes all my step work particularly difficult.

There is a lot about recovery that I do not internalize, or even understand. There is a lot about shame and being able to separate my life into a safer place that I'm not grasping. But this is a journey, I'm told, and it is a long one. Living on the edge of tears for the pain and wrongs I've caused others is a strenuous dance with faith and desperation.



I'm never gonna dance again

Guilty feet have got no rhythm

Though it's easy to pretend

I know you're not a fool

I should have known better than to cheat a friend

And waste a chance that I'd been given

–Wham, ”Careless Whisper"



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