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June 25 • Unbelonging

Day 351

"Belonging" has not been common to my experience. I've never really thought much about it in that context, but from my days of paranoia, through my days as a 'rising star,' through years of being the boss, I was always different than the 'other kids.'

When I ask myself about belonging to something — being securely embraced by a circumstance — the memories are few. It does describe the feeling I had when I was a DJ on the radio; I belonged there. Of course, 'there' was a virtual reality where I had precious little interaction with real people. Then there's my motorcycle. I've taken some long bike rides — 10 days to three weeks — and I, unfortunately, felt like I belonged there, in the saddle, on the road.

The fact is that most of my sense of feeling that I 'belonged' was when I was alone, whether working on the computer or adventuring around the world or just sitting and thinking. When I was acting out was the worst; I knew I didn't belong in that world, and that I was cutting myself out of the world I wanted, and that I was putting the world of my image entirely at risk. There I felt like I belonged to hell; I guess at least that's something.

Now I'm being told that I don't have to accept that as my reality. Not only can I learn to not act out on my addiction, but through radical honesty and working my program and truly trusting my higher power, I can belong to something. Yes, that might include a bunch of addicts, but the voices I'm hearing say I can also belong to my family, community, and human experience without fear or guilt.

My God, I would like that.




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