Day 305
God is not controlled by my desires or even my perceived needs. My Higher Power provides for me according to HIS desires and my true needs. I spend a lot of time trying to anticipate the needs and desires of others, often to the exception of my own preferences. There was a time I thought that was a sacrificially good thing, but even so, my track record is not that impressive; the burden and dysfunctional consequences of not being me have produced a high price. This conflict seems to be a big part of THE struggle in releasing my addiction; I want to control the timing as much as I tried to control my fall from grace. I still have a long way to go to get to a place of substantially less energy spent on such worries. Why can I not genuinely just let go in this life, the way my addict friend made me think I let go in that life? There, I was letting go through self-destruction; here I keep the specter of self-destruction alive by NOT letting go. Another recovery contradiction to add to my list. As Kent Keith might say,
"...Let go anyway!"
–JR
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