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November 03 • Feeling My Feelings

Day 482


Admitting I am angry or resentful is the most challenging part of my day-to-day recovery. I have confessed horrible misbehaviors more easily and quickly than I have acknowledged that I am mad or hurt. I do not know where I learned that; I have no memory of being told that anger is wrong.


I'm reading lots of recovery material that indicates this is a common problem with addicts. However, I still do not grasp it sufficiently to move me forward. I have had the courage a couple of times to dip my toe in the pond of confessing my ugly emotions, and so far, there has been no reaction or penalty to indicate my fears are justified. My wife has been very kind and even appreciative when I have conceded my feelings and stopped the cycle in the interest of avoiding an attack of passive hyper-aggressiveness. So why does it still take courage?


How many times do I have to learn that it's okay to admit my feelings? How hard is it to recognize that not being honest about my feelings is not being honest? This darkness is scary as hell. I have more confidence in my sobriety than I do in believing I can one day be that honest with myself, much less my wife or even a stranger.


–JR

 

Empty promises drown in pain

All honest feelings

Are caught in chains

We believed all the lies

Now pay the price


–Eloy, ”Eclipse of Mankind"

 

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