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October 21 • Crutching

Day 469

My first considered exposure to the 12 Steps as a form of my recovery was awash in cynicism. Over the years, I've often criticized the program as not being 'Christian' enough or being some cultish head-fake around the responsibilities of bad behavior. So, after realizing the error of my opinions — even after committing to the program as my chosen road to recovery — I could not imagine doing the Steps more than once.

I listened to guys talk about their ten, twenty, and thirty years of sobriety and their multiple trips through the program, and I just wanted to scream. I didn't want to be that guy, and I was determined to get it right the first time so I wouldn't have to be a repeat Stepper. Imagine my shock when, after a few months in a Step workshop and taking my tasks and studies seriously, I began to think about how I'm going to do this differently the next time.

Now I can hardly imagine life without the program and the fellows that I now call friends. But it's more than that, more than the social interactions and comfortable relationships. I need this. It feels like life-or-death to me, and I believe that. Yes, perhaps I am leaning on the program as a crutch. If my legs were broken, wouldn't I be thankful for this ambulatory accessories, and maybe even a wheelchair?

Thank you, God, for a crutch to keep me upright as I seek your will for me.



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