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January 02 • Why is This Hard?

Day 177

I am very concerned about how difficult it has been to be honest in my recovery, especially when I continue to realize the benefits of telling the truth.

That sounds simply ridiculous. Who would choose to be deceitful? I never thought of myself as a liar, but that is what I've done most of my life. It was only when the lies got big because I was covering up my acting-out that I began thinking about how often I lied. Little things, like why I would be late getting home, or denying that something was bothering me when I was angry and dying inside.

Recovery has taught me a new phrase: undefended honesty. I hear the similar words "rigorous honesty" in the program readings, and I know I must get there. I still hold things back, including details of some of my behaviors (in fear that it will be that proverbial last straw) and emotional reactions to everyday moments. I want so badly to clear the decks and never lie again.

I can't believe this is such a difficult step.




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