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July 05 • Sex Grammar

Day 361

Considering my sexual nature as an adjective, rather than a verb, is one of those pivotal moments between where I’ve been, where I am today, and where I hadn’t really considered going.

Letting my sexuality be an expression of the rest of me, instead of something to do or a challenge to conquer or even something to avoid, could change my life. Or maybe it already has. It is not a completely foreign concept as even my faith considers sex part of making a couple ‘one’; it is a holistic and healthy view that I’ve espoused philosophically since I was a teenager.

However, somewhere along the way being ‘one’ became confused with codependency, and sex became the cause rather than the result. And if I’m honest about it, I think this may have been true even before I was married at age nineteen. My premarital counselor once accused me of looking at marriage as a faith-based ‘license to screw.’ I remember looking at him and denying that vociferously, even as I was acknowledging to my self that he might — he probably did — have a point.

That’s just one more small but significant moment of image-over-honesty that may have dramatically changed my life’s direction and my ability to confront the right issues.




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